So, you moved to Las Palmas?

I took a plane and went to Las Palmas. I don’t really know why.

Now, I live in a big house with tons of rooms and tons of people inside. Sometimes, it’s very lively.

I don’t really know how it’s run, but there are volunteers. One talked to me and I liked her, because she told me that she likes Herman Hesse too (she saw a book that I was reading) Especially Siddharta. She’s the first person that I met who knows about Hesse, so I was pretty astounded.

But I’m always making a bad impression. At least, I believe that I’m making bad impressions since a long time.

Once, in high school, a girl told me: “you always cut things short!”

And yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the truth. I don’t get really intimate with people. Even if I do, it stops pretty early, I believe.

I think that I started masking around high school. I was bullied for who I am. Very anxious about everything. So I got depressed and had to build a persona.

In college, I learned to put on a mask. I think that it’s too people-pleasing, and that’s why I didn’t make a lot of friends. Rejecting people might be a part of the whole socialization process. I don’t know.

I messed up with my Duloxetine intake too. I reduced it by 10% before leaving home because, well, I “need” to get of this stuff. Well, maybe not. I’m here having a mental breakdown and having anxiety and pain like before. I don’t even know if I’ll get the benefits: psychedelic drugs working better, and getting my “personality” back.

The thing is that I don’t have a true personality. It’s just a set of behaviours I used in the past to be able to live without getting bullied too much. I know it because my behavior is way, way, way, way more different between people and groups. (I’m trying to unify them)

I can only be my true self with some people, in some rare instances.

It’s easier for me with autistic people, so I think that I’m autistic too. I have to accept this fact; like with ADHD, there is no point in gaslighting myself. All the signs are here.

So, what do I do about this? Will I ever be able to truly connect with other people? Will I find myself in a conversation where words come to me truly naturally?

Today, I feel very defeated, so I would say: “no”. But I know that I did in the past. I found someone very special with whom I could talk without thinking that much. Answer honestly. She became my girlfriend, but I messed up. Fuck it.

So what do I do about all this (again)? I’m in an okay-ish state. In fact, I’m pretty blessed to be here like I am. I just don’t like the person I am I wish I was more present with the other people, that I could blend-in more I wish that I could look at people in the eye and not cut things short because I’m overwhelmed. I wish that if I am invited at a party, I would just go without thinking too much about it I wish I wouldn’t get so down every so often

Actions I’ll take to move forward⌗

Limit masking⌗

That one’s going to be pretty hard. I have a pretty bad case of resting bitch face. I wish that my default emotion was a smile instead. I think that it’s possible, because sometimes I really feel like smiling. It just only happens when I think of something that I like.

Think about positive stuff most of the time⌗

Maybe I should think of things that I like? What if instead of thinking about philosophical stuff, technical stuff, sad stuff, complex stuff, or myself, I would be happier? It’s said in a lot of places that your attention decides your worldview. If I focused on the positives in life, maybe I could have a smile-by-default And grow like the person I want to be And then it would all snowball and I would be happy

Positive stuff I could think about right now⌗

  • I have my lifelong partner and things are going great for us
  • My mom is happy
  • My sister is finally on tracks to getting a treatment for her disease
  • I live in a place that’s near the beach
  • I live in a place where there is at least one awesome person that I want to hang out with
  • I finally have access to Ritalin
  • Sandwiches are good
  • My room is pretty cosy
  • I can do whatever I want whenever I want
  • I feel sleepy, nad it feels good in its own way
  • I live in a lively place
  • My computer is fast!
  • I’m getting better at writing
  • I have hopes for the future
  • Right now, while writing this, I have a slight “feel good” feeling.
  • A person I met yesterday told me that it was nice to meet me (maybe I’m not that bad)

Target a feeling, not a state⌗

This “feel good” feeling sometimes comes from gratitude journaling. It’s also associated to Duloxetine intake when I’m craving it. It’s similar to love. Maybe if I targeted this feeling, if I made it stick with me, then I would be happier. Because this feeling is the opposite of depression. If there is one feeling that will make me smile on the long-run, in this one.

How do I catch this feeling?⌗
  • practice this kind of gratitude lists multiple times per day
  • try to invoke it by thinking hard about it
  • thinking about someone that I love

Taking tons of drugs⌗

Autism and ADHD are not the end of the world. There are both ways to live with it, and ways to fix them at the root. The western psychiatric world is yet to catch-up, but Cerebrolysin and Cortexin are viable. LSD too.

I can make a Cerebrolysin spray right now. Well, I’m not sure because it stayed in the sun too much, maybe, lol! Maybe I’ll wait until I get home!

At home, I have a bunch of Cerebrolysin and Cortexin waiting for me. So even if I don’t manage super well for those 3 weeks, then I have something to work on. And then I’ll try again, and again, and again… I just hope that I won’t have a reputation by then

Stay low!⌗

LIke I said above, I don’t want to build a bad reputation. So I shouldn’t do stupid stuff! It’s better to look a bit asocial than to look, well, like me.

I say too many things, conversations feel too forced. That’s what I think is wrong.

Stop trying to lead the conversation⌗

I should just let people pick me up That should do it

et. al.⌗

I’m getting sleepy and I have a bit of stuff to do… There is hope. Not everything is so black. It’s more like grey with a slight touch of pink.

And maybe, one day, it’ll only be pink.