I’ve been ridden with psychological injuries. Those who have them will empathize, while those who don’t will say that I am inventing myself a life because it’s uninteresting. I understand. I’ve always thought that the people who say they have trauma and whatever are people seeking attention for no reason. Turns out that might be true, but trauma is still something very real.

I started addressing my trauma by writing about one of them for 15 minutes about one every Sunday (actually, it’s a bit of-the-clock due to the Winter holiday, but whatever.).

My goal here is not to waste my time. I don’t have time to waste; I have ten things to do but don’t have time for. My goal is really to make progress. Why? Because trauma are a glass ceiling to happiness.

I just can’t be happy. I improved my health, became somewhat rich, tried to take control of my time more, binge-watched YouTube, been very social, but nothing truly helps. I am just truly and deeply unhappy, and no event is changing that. (maybe making friends, but even that becomes old as I realize how shallow people are).

Tomorrow, I am going to fly on a plane, something I would have dreamed of as a child and that I actually enjoyed so much the first time I did it. This time, I know that I will not enjoy it, because I cannot be happy anymore.

I’ve just lived through so much shit. I’ve became crazy, multiple times. I’ve lived with no-one to rely on, I’ve lived through addiction, I lived through 2*2 years of bullying (yes, I must have been very annoying to get bullied so much), had multiple fights, my parents divorced, my sister got diagnosed with a rare illness, I got chronic pain, migraines, and of course, heartbreaks which are natural but arguably still hurtful.

The problem is not the intensity of these traumas; the problem is that I have 100 of them. I feel like I am 50 years old and I have seen half of the misery of the planet.

Everything that I loved became boring and painful. Even programming, which was my joy in life, is now something that I hate. I am not longer passionate about it.

Music, which I was passionate about too, I don’t get the drive to immerse myself into it, because my attention gets called by 10 different things at the same time.

I’ve set myself to become rich, but did not save, so I just worked hard and “played” hard.

Why am I not happy?

First off, I am not socializing enough. I want to meet new people so much! But when I meet them, I fall short. I am failing at attracting attention.

When I get into a romantic relationship, it ends, because I don’t control my attention well and end up hyper-focusing on something and neglecting the relationship.

I hate myself for a lot of things. Maybe this is why I always try to change.

I don’t love myself. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t try to change myself.

It’s such a mess. I hope I can clear it by writing about it.

Something that happened when traveling to Las Palmas… I noticed that I wasn’t substantially more happy there. This is because there is a veil between me and the reality. My mode of thinking is the same, so I end up feeling the same way than I was back at home. (like shit)

I want to remove this veil. I want to live fully, to be free… I want to work like if it wasn’t work.

I want to live my day job and live on my savings for a long time.

I want to take true holidays and forget about time.

I am so tired. At least, now, I recognize it.